Three weeks ago today the love of my life broke up with me after our 3 or so year relationship. I don't think I've been so devastated, upset, confused,hurt & ruined in my life. I actually didn't know I could feel pain like this, losing someone feels like a part of me was simply destroyed. I've been feeling utterly miserable, useless and worthless,Until today.A friend of mine, whom is widowed, gave me a gift & a card thanking me for all my kindness towards her.We see each other frequently & I never really understood the hardship she faces every day until recently. Here I was being an absolute misery because I got ditched when the person she was in true love with died. It's so heart wrenching how horrible it must be for her spending the rest of her days completely alone knowing that the person she loves won't come back. No one to share Xmas morning with. No one to kiss on nye. No one to buy her presents on her birthday, No one that understands her completely. At least I get to care from a distance,had a chance to say goodbye and have been given time to let go.
It's the hardest thing disconnecting myself from someone who became my best friend and first real love. not being able to share good news, funny stories,rants, cuddles and smiles with, it goddamn sucks. I just wish I knew how to let go of someone who knows me inside out.
It flipping sucks knowing that the person I cared most about cant stand the thought of being near me. I wish things didn't go from lovers to strangers so quickly, it's so unnatural going from one extreme straight to the other. Thats why I think the hardest part is letting go, because it's not normal to flick a switch and have no emotion towards that person.
I'm so afraid of things getting bitter. I'm afraid of being more hurt than I am.
I'm afraid of other people getting involved in my hardship.I'm afraid that everything my relationship stood for will be tossed aside,forgotten & thrown in the bottom of the cupboard along with all the photos,love letters and presents.I'm afraid of being alone.
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